Absent Parents
In this Blog the focus is on how to communicate with your children if the other parent is absent.
As a coach my goal is to help as many families as possible put a fair and amicable co-parenting agreement in place, where at all possible. As a mum myself, I do understand how hard it is to let go of being a full-time parent to your child/ren. I believe that children do need both parents in their lives with the proviso that both parents are emotionally and mentally fit to co-parent successfully and the children are safe in either home.
Unfortunately, for a variety of reasons, I do come across families where one parent has either opted out of their co-parenting responsibilities or has withdrawn their responsibilities due to ill health, new family or work commitments and the like. I am frequently asked for guidance and support from clients who are having to navigate through these types of situations.
If you end up becoming the full-time custodial parent, what can you put in place to manage your wellbeing both mentally and physically? What additional help will you require both at home and work to juggle it all? What additional things can you ask of your ex-spouse if they cannot share parenting with you? i.e. Financial assistance for additional childcare/ nanny etc? Extend family assistance? The other parent having the children for all of the school holidays, to give you a break and provide the children some quality time with their other parent! If you both have the children’s best interests at heart then hopefully you can come to a fair and amicable agreement, and your children will not feel neglected.
Then there’s the children! How do you both communicate to them that one parent is not able to give them shared custody?
Firstly, do not “bad mouth” the other parent to or in front of the children. No matter what you think or feel, your children need to feel loved and supported by both parents. In time as they grow older, they will come to their own conclusions on matters, but for now you want them to have the best possible relationship with both of their parents. Remind them that both mum and dad love them very much and will always be there for them no matter where everyone lives. You are all just a phone call away and if they can’t see one parent regularly, they will see them for holidays throughout the year or whatever you as their parents decide will work for your family’s new way of being.
Your children may be emotional when they are not seeing one parent as often. Validate their feelings and let them know you understand how it makes them feel and mirror back to them what they are saying so they feel heard, loved and supported. Be careful not to minimise their feelings by using trite expressions such as: “get over it” and “it is what it is”. This will not help them. Just support them by saying you understand how it makes them feel and that you are not going anywhere. Provide them with some coping mechanisms as they navigate through missing the other parent. Register skype or facetime calls if it’s possible. Put a photo collage together of what the kids are up to regularly, for them to email the other parent. Keep things light and positive for the children as this will help them build their own resilience and make the transition a little easier on all.
Our family wizard is a great way to share photo memories and milestones with both parents. Both parents have full access to all tools and tabs and the kids have a more limited access to timetables and shared photo/ video memories. This is a fun and practical way to interact and keep both parents in the loop with financials, communication, calendars etc so everyone is in sync.
If they continue to struggle then consider some counselling individually or as a family and trust in time that the teething problems of separation and coping with an absent parent will become the new norm. If your struggling with communication around this issue, or putting some self-care in place consider a coaching session with your Divorce Coach, details below.