Narcissist or Just Difficult? How to Tell — and Protect Yourself in Divorce
As a divorce coach, I hear the word “narcissist” almost daily. It’s often said out of frustration, confusion, or pain. While the term has become popular, especially during divorce, it’s often misunderstood or misused. I have written a blog on this topic in the past, but I feel the need to expand a little from my previous blog with more tools to help you navigate any type of difficult personality. https://www.degreesofseparation.co.nz/blog/dealing-with-a-narcissistic-ex
So let’s clarify: what is narcissistic behaviour — and how do you protect yourself if you’re dealing with it or a difficult person?
What Is a Narcissist, really?
A narcissist, clinically speaking, is someone diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). However, many people display narcissistic traits without having a diagnosis.
Common Traits of NPD:
Inflated sense of self-importance
Constant need for attention and praise
Lack of empathy
Manipulative or controlling behaviour
Sense of entitlement
Arrogance or condescension
Fragile self-esteem hidden behind a confident front
A formal diagnosis requires a mental health professional. But if you're facing someone who consistently shows these patterns, you don’t need a label to take steps to protect yourself.
Narcissistic Behaviour vs. Poor Behaviour
Everyone can act out under stress. But narcissistic behaviour is different — it's chronic, controlling, and often harmful.
Poor Behaviour Narcissistic Behaviour
Occasional, stress-related Persistent and patterned
Shows remorse Rarely apologises sincerely
Open to feedback Blames others or deflects
May show empathy Lacks consistent empathy
Example:
Poor behaviour: Forgets your birthday and apologises.
Narcissistic: Dismisses it and blames you for caring or making it all about you.
Why This Distinction Matters
Mislabelling can weaken your credibility. Lawyers and mediators hear “narcissist” so often, the term can lose weight. But real narcissistic abuse is serious — and often subtle. But your lawyer or mediator isn’t there to fix that problem unfortunately.
Instead of diagnosing, ask:
“How is this behaviour affecting me, and what boundaries do I need?”
That’s where my coaching can make a difference — helping you protect your peace, set limits, and navigate high-conflict situations calmly and strategically, so you’re in a better mind set when communicating with lawyer and other divorce professionals as well as your ex-spouse.
How to Protect Yourself in Divorce from a Narcissist
Communication: Stay Low Emotion, High Boundary
Use the BIFF Method: Brief, Informative, Friendly (neutral), Firm.
Sample Responses:
“Let’s stick to the parenting schedule as agreed.”
“Please only contact me about matters related to the children.”
“I’m not available for personal discussions. Let’s keep this professional.”
Tools to Support You
1. Co-Parenting Apps
Use apps like OurFamilyWizard to track messages and reduce emotional contact.
2. Document Everything
Keep records of messages, missed exchanges, or inappropriate behaviour — especially involving children.
3. Don’t Over-Explain
Keep replies short and neutral. Overexplaining gives them more material to twist or use.
4. Use Your Lawyer as a Buffer
If they violate agreements, let your lawyer handle it. Stay out of direct conflict.
What Not to Do
Don’t argue or try to “win” — it feeds the drama.
Don’t engage emotionally — that’s their game.
Don’t expect them to change — focus on managing yourself.
Emotional Survival Tips
Repeat this: “Their chaos is not mine to fix.”
Work with a therapist or coach who understands high-conflict personalities.
Reconnect with who you are — outside of the relationship. Protect your identity and energy.
My Final Thoughts
You don’t need a label to take action. You just need clarity, boundaries, and support. With the right tools, you can navigate divorce from a narcissistic ex — not just safely, but with confidence. Reach out for a free discovery call or book a session with Kimberlee coach@degreesofseparation.co.nz
