‘FORGIVENESS’ – AFTER A SEPARATION and life in general by Kimberlee

fogrivnessI have come to realise that forgiveness in all aspects of life is so very important. Forgiveness means
choosing to let go of all the things you are holding onto that no longer serve you. We all have things
we need to let go of or moments we wish we could change; words we wished we hadn’t said.
Recognise those moments, forgive yourself by knowing on some level you have learnt from your
mistakes or choices and that it’s all part of your emotional and spiritual growth.

We tend to hold onto our hurts, revisiting them often and over analysing them. We need to simply
learn to let go of these so we can make room for new opportunities and happiness in our lives. I
know 90% of people coming out of long term marriages are keen to fast-track directly onto the
dating scene. However, if you have not forgiven, you cannot move into your next relationship and
give 100% to your next partner if you still have old hurts and anger from your past. You have to deal
with this before you can be a better version of yourself or you will repeat the cycle.

Your forgiveness towards others is not necessarily directed at a person as such but for your own
mindfulness, physical and emotional well-being! We must learn to somehow forgive those who
have caused us unrest so that we can move forward, into a happier life. Holding onto anger,
resentment, jealously, worry or fear to name a few, will only cause health imbalances within our
own being and interactions with others. Holding onto such emotions and hurts only hurts YOU in
the long run. Your body holds the stress you are creating in your world in varying ways, back or neck
pain, insomnia, anxiety and depression. Your thoughts and emotions are linked and physical pain,
illness and disease will prevail if we don’t somehow bring it all under control. Only you can resolve
these afflictions and change your mind set and actions to reduce the symptoms. It all begins with
forgiveness. Forgiving your-self and forgiving others.

By this I don’t mean you must rush out and tell the people who have wronged you, that you forgive
them, it can be simple acts of just telling yourself you forgive them, journaling your fears and
anxieties around a situation or person and getting it out of your mind so you are able to make room
for more positive thoughts and wonderful new opportunities. Acknowledge it and let it go, don’t
bottle it all up inside. Especially going through a separation or divorce, whether you are the initiator
or the one who was left, you will both have many things you will need to forgive as well as accepting
your own misgivings within the relationship and then forgiving yourself for those also.

Forgiving your ex no matter how many months/years it has been, severs the bond between you and
sets you free to get on with the rest of your life. Who doesn’t want that? Right? But how you ask?
Forgiveness in your own mind, will allow you to have less emotionally charged conversations with
that person, it will lessen the power that person thinks they have over you, think of them more like a
business associate with your interactions and let your forgiving self-shine through. If you can be your
better self and allow this process to organically occur through forgiveness and positivity your ex will
soon enough (hopefully) start mirroring your actions and also show up in a less emotional reactive
manner also, and you will both then begin the process of moving on to the next chapter of your
lives.

When you have children to co-parent, this is ideally the way to amicably co-parent and keep the
peace for the sake of the children. By showing your children forgiveness you are teaching them from
a young age what we as adults have learnt to forgive others. Allow your children the memory, as
they mature, that you as their parents acted as your best selves possible during this challenging
time, allow them the memory of looking back and knowing you were both mature loving parents
who just couldn’t love each other anymore, but conjointly could still love and cherish them.

If you need further support in this area of your separation or divorce I can help guide you in my one-
on-one coaching sessions to become the person I know you really want to be.

www.degreesofseparation.co.nz

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