You are coming out of the haze that is separation and divorce, it’s true… it takes two years to truly
find yourself again after coming out of any long term relationship. So sorry in advance to those
reading this, that are nowhere near the two year mark yet! Take it from me, time does heal and
time is on your side. I don’t care how old you are, age is but a number and you cannot rush true
happiness. You have the rest of your life ahead of you and there is no need to hurry this process. For
your sake and for the sake of others who cross your path, just take a breath and spend time figuring
out who you are and what you want in life!
Firstly, you must give yourself the time to grieve, be a little angry, feel lonely, and maybe some days
you will even wonder if you did make the right decision, or wallow in the why did this have to
happen to me. BUT please know this is all very normal and there would be something majorly wrong
with you if you didn’t have all these emotions and thought patterns coming out of a relationship.
So here you are single again…
I know it can be a lonely place but being single is not really a bad thing. Think of it like being on a
sabbatical from a committed relationship. It’s a time to reflect on past relationships and think about
what you really want from your next serious relationship. If you don’t know any of this yet then you
definitely are NOT ready to start dating again. It’s time to work on YOU…..
Spend some time alone and really get to know who you are again, the old you, the you that your old
friends remember, (and believe me when I say, your friends will be sure to happily tell you when old
you turns up again). Women are generally great at this stuff, working on themselves, figuring out
their authentic selves, knowing they are not ready to be in a new relationship until old wounds are
healed. Men, well, some are good at this but generally, most men and some women too, put their
heads in the sand and think that a new relationship will heal old wounds. It won’t. It just creates new
ones or opens up old ones. If not for you then work on this for your new partner to be, who has
bigger expectations of you, who is assuming you are ready to date again, when in fact you clearly
may not be. Aim to please and not disappoint, yourself and those you are dating, (in the emotionally sense).
How do you know when you are ready to date again? And then when you are ready and out there
dating, how do you know those you are dating are actually ready to date again?
It’s all about learning how to recognised your ‘red flags’, and you will only know what they are when
you have done some work on yourself, before re-entering the dating world. You cannot fix others
but you can most certainly fix your own, and learn to quickly walk away from other peoples’ ‘red
flags’ before you get in deep. If you get my drift.
You must first grow as a person; learn from your own mistakes so you can be a better partner for the
next serious relationship you enter. To enable a fulfilling relationship to evolve, you must start by
being honest and true to yourself and your own needs. Heal old wounds and learn new relationship
skills. Identify and change unproductive habits and patterns, attitudes and beliefs. None of us are
perfect, but if we can all recognise our own weaknesses then we can work towards turning them
into strengths, and only then will we figure out along the way what our core values are and what
type of values we want in a future partner. Write a list. This is a great way to realise your core values
and getting to know who you really are and what you want.
- What are your core values? i.e. honesty, open communication, financial security, spirituality…
- What are your unrealised dreams and expectations in life?
- What is your vision for your future? We all have our own visions deep down, don’t be
embarrassed to write it down and embrace your dreams, be honest with yourself so you can be
honest about what you are really looking for out of life and from a future life partner.
- What are your core requirements in a relationship?
- What are your red flags?
- What are you not willing to compromise on?
Go back over your list and update it as you meet new people, as you grow your values can grow and
change. So take your time out there in the dating world. Take it slow and not only get to know a
potential new partner, thoroughly before you jump into another long term relationship but start off
getting to know yourself again and who you really are and what you really want. If you can’t figure
this out for yourself no one else is going to be able to figure YOU out. If you want open and honest
then start with being open and honest with YOU first.
If you would like to work on this with your coach book a one on one strategy session with me and we
can put new strategies in place to help you become the best version of your single self. Go into new
relationships knowing exactly who you are and what you want and don’t want. It will save you a lot
of time and angst in the long run, believe me! I’m speaking from experience!